Grief: When Death Comes to Visit

Death appeared to me for the first time in 2001. She came while I was visiting my grandmother in the hospital. My nana had been in a diabetic coma for several days, and we wanted nothing more than for her to wake up. One evening, when visiting hours were coming to a close, a group of family and friends decided to pray before leaving. We gathered around my nana’s hospital room and offered up a prayer. Everyone held hands and bowed their heads. As I joined hands with the people on either side of me, something in the room corner drew my attention. Death stood there. I didn’t see her; I felt her. Her presence was palpable. My body began to shake. I was panic-stricken, but I managed to hold it together until the prayer was over.

Once everyone said amen, I immediately ran out of the room. I was crying uncontrollably, and I felt like I was about to pass out. I found a dark corner of a nearby waiting room, collapsed on a chair, and wept. I knew what I felt and what it meant. I was terrified. A few days later, my nana passed away.

A couple of weeks after the services, I was back at home when Death knocked on my door. She called through the closed door and told me she wanted to help me with my grief. I never opened the door. I was too scared to let her in, so she left me alone.

Death came again in January of 2010. This time it was my mom who first noticed her presence. My mother received hospice care at home. One day, I was in her room working on my laptop. I thought my mom was sleeping, but I looked over and noticed that she was reaching for something that I couldn’t see. She reached both arms straight up in the air as if she was waiting for someone to lift her. She was smiling.

Initially, I thought she was trying to get out of her bed, so I said to her, “Mom, you can’t get up. Do you need me to get you something?” She looked at me, still smiling, and replied that she wasn’t trying to get up, and she continued to reach upward. It was then that I felt Death’s presence. Why hadn’t I noticed her before? Sneaky bitch, I snarled. This time, I wasn’t scared of Death’s presence. I was angry. I knew why she was there, but she wasn’t welcome. Get the f%& out, I thought.

A month or so after my mom’s passing, Death knocked at my door again. A persistent bitch. She again called through the door, stating that she wanted to help me with my grief. I told her to f&%k off. She didn’t leave, though; she stayed on my doorstep and said that whenever I was ready, she would be there. As days turned into months and eventually years, Death would occasionally knock on my door again and ask if I would let her in. Each time, I denied her entry.

In 2018, Death tried a different approach. Instead of knocking, she began to sing outside my door. She sang so beautifully. Her melody spoke to my soul, and my inner being pleaded with me to let her in. Fine, I thought. I will let her in. I will let her in and finally let this bitch have it. I will explain to her how she ruined my life. I would scream at her. I would hurt her as much as she hurt me. But as soon as she entered, she hugged me tightly. She held me close and wouldn’t let go until I grieved. She helped me to grieve. Then, as she left, she whispered, “Remember.”

On Valentine’s Day 2021. Death returned. But this time, I knew she was on her way, and I knew she was coming for my father. I didn’t wait until I felt her presence. I didn’t wait until she knocked at my door. I lit a candle and told her to use the flame to let me know when she had arrived. When the candlewick began to pop and crackle, I knew she was there. I opened the door and welcomed her in. Once again, she held me while I wept. She comforted me until I was ready to let go. Then, she kissed me on my forehead and left.

Recently, someone asked me if I was scared of dying, specifically if I was scared of dying alone. Before I knew it, I was laughing. The person looked at me oddly, so I responded, Death is my friend; she visits me often. Why would I be scared of her? Why would I be scared to greet her alone?”